Caregiving as a Cultural Norm: How Can Therapy Support Adult Children of Aging Asian Parents?
Many Asian-Americans, immigrant children, first or second generation children are navigating through a new season of their lives as caregivers for their aging parents. This has led to a rise of people juggling the cultural norms and expectations while trying to learn how to set realistic boundaries and the pain accompanied with trying to do this on their own. Through my personal and professional experiences here is what I have learned about how therapy can best support those adult children as they process their own pains and traumas while learning to best care for their aging parents.
You Don’t Have to Explain - Why Culture Competency Matters
So how can therapy help someone navigating this? First, a culturally competent therapist can truly make the world of a difference. Someone who “gets” the modern physical, financial, and mental challenges of taking on this role for our elders. For many this is a beautiful part of our culture and we do not want to dismiss that. However, there are conflicting feelings that you are allowed to have and as an Asian-American therapist I understand and create space to acknowledge the guilt and shame caregivers may be feeling. Therapy can be a welcome space to explore those feelings and give yourself practical tools in processing them while still caring for your aging parent.
You are not alone - Here are realistic tools you can use in this season
So now you decide to start therapy. Where do you begin? First let’s address caregiver burnout and learn how you can create realistic expectations and boundaries. This role can be taxing and there is no denying that, so how can you create more explicit communication to protect yourself and still show up for your aging parent? I do not want to promote rigid individualism, but find concrete ways to honor yourself and your parents by building skills to regulate yourself and find support in your community.
Instead of saying something like, “I can’t take care of you all the time,” which might feel abrupt or disrespectful in some of our cultures, you may need to reframe and recognize your frustration as a barrier to clear expectations. Maybe you try; “I want to be there for you, and I am trying my best. I’ve noticed I’ve been getting really tired handling everything on my own. I can take you to your appointments and help with bills, but I need us to find extra help for other things.”
As your therapist, I hope to remind you to choose presence over perfection in this journey. You cannot do it all, and you should be able to set limits with compassion and care because you love your parents so much. Therapy can offer a space to rewrite the narrative of the “good child” and the extreme pressure some of us have to what a “perfect” caregiver can look like. We can redefine caregiving not as a test of loyalty or a silent burden to carry alone, but as an ever changing relationship that adapts and molds as your life grows.
Takeaways: Are you navigating caregiving for an aging parent? Reach out to one of our therapists to find a way to honor your family without erasing your needs.
About the Author
Elizabeth (Ellie) Oh, LMFT #157153 is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist at Oak and Stone Therapy. She offers in-person therapy services at the Los Angeles / Highland Park office and online therapy for children and teens, couples, and adults across California. Elizabeth focuses on supporting young adults navigating complex relationship challenges with loved ones, couples navigating life transitions, and children of immigrants navigating difficult family dynamics that contribute to anxiety, depression, and trauma.
