Communication Skills Are Overrated: Find Couples Therapy that Works

“We want to work on our communication.” 

It’s the most common thing I hear from couples interested in therapy. And I find myself stifling a sigh.

Not that it is a bad request or that communication skills aren’t important, but simply because they’re overrated. They’re insufficient for creating change that most couples are wanting to see in their relationship. 

Communication skills are overrated because:

• They can’t be used effectively when you’re dysregulated

• They don’t address underlying issues that drive conflict (e.g. individual trauma history, differences in values/desires, etc.)

• They don’t repair relational wounds already experienced in the relationship

• They can be used defensively (e.g. “You can’t do/say that because I used the communication skills we learned.”)

• They can often feel robotic instead of connecting

Most people have good intentions when asking for communication skills. Relationships are hard! And it would be nice to have some tools to fix things.

Unfortunately… 

There is no quick fix to relationship conflict

Obviously. If such a thing existed, divorce rates wouldn’t be so high. 

So, what then?

The Answer: Emotion Regulation

Gross… Emotion regulation? As in calming down and managing the emotions that are triggered by my partner? Really? It’s a lot of work. A LOT of work. And it can feel unfair for me to do the work when I see that my partner is clearly triggered. Why should I?

Well, with emotion regulation in place, communication skills can actually be really effective. I’ve seen this time and time again in my work as a couples therapist. 

When you’re emotionally flooded (whether angry, anxious, or down on oneself), you communicate in unhealthy ways with underlying desires for control, avoidance, or blame. 

Trying to change your responses without addressing root issues won’t stick; our emotions are significantly stronger than our reasoning. 

Once you’re able to slow down your body (and with it, your emotions), you are in a much better place to effectively use the communication skills that you may have learned, not to try to change or control your partner’s behavior, but because that’s the way that you want to engage when you’re at your best.  

You want your relationship to work

It’s hard working on your relationship. And I would hate for you to put in all that effort, just for it to not work. 

If you truly want to improve your relationship, you’ll certainly learn those communication skills. But you won’t stop there. You’ll learn to regulate your emotions too. 

Reach out for a consultation for couples therapy. Learn to regulate your emotions. Use more effectively those healthy communication skills. And unlock a new level of closeness and safety in your relationship. 

About the Author

Samuel Kim, LMFT #141541 is an Asian licensed marriage and family therapist at Oak and Stone Therapy and identifies as a third culture kid (TCK) who is also in an interracial marriage. He offers online therapy services tailored for individuals and couples across Los Angeles, the San Francisco Bay area, and expats living abroad in Asia, Latin America, & Europe. Samuel focuses on supporting adult children of immigrants, third culture kids, interracial couples, and expats navigating cross-cultural contexts, anxiety, imposter syndrome, family of origin traumas, burnout, and relationship challenges for couples.