The Gift of Presence in Relationships During This Holiday Season
As we move into the holiday season, I find myself thinking less about presents and more about presence.
We often think of presence as simply being there physically. But most of us have had moments—maybe even this week—where someone was sitting right next to us, yet we still felt completely alone. Physical closeness doesn’t always translate to emotional, mental, or relational connection. And deep down, that’s what so many of us are really longing for.
I love this definition of presence as not just a state of “being there,” but "the state of occurring or happening”—of allowing ourselves to show up just as we are. Not performing. Not filtering. Not bracing for someone else’s reaction. Presence, when it’s real, is something you offer from the inside out. It’s what makes relationships feel like a safe place to land.
When we feel that kind of presence—when someone meets us in our mess, without judgment or rush—it taps into something very human. Something we all crave. Intimacy. Safety. Belonging.
What Gets in the Way?
Here’s what I often see in therapy, especially around the holidays:
We listen to respond, not to connect.
We spend time with people out of guilt or obligation.
We’re distracted—by our phones, our to-do lists, or our own inner chatter.
We get caught in comparison or resentment.
We assume we’re being misunderstood or rejected, and stop trying.
We hide how we feel because we’re scared of being “too much.”
We expect people to read our minds.
We focus so much on making others happy that we forget to check in with ourselves.
These patterns are common. And they’re not irreversible.
Small Ways to Practice Presence in Real Life
Let’s be honest: being present sounds simple, but it’s not easy. Especially in moments of tension, stress, or exhaustion. So here are some grounded, real-life reminders—written for people like us who are still figuring it out:
Don’t show up just to fix.
People don’t always need answers. Try offering your honest self instead. “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here with you.” That goes a long way.
Don’t force a perfect response.
If you’re not sure what you feel or think, that’s okay. Say so. “I need a little time to process this before I respond.” Honesty builds trust.
Don’t expect one person to meet every need.
Share what you need, but also be open to hearing what someone’s able to give. Some needs may not be met in one relationship—and that doesn’t mean you’re too much.
Don’t lead with blame.
Lead with impact. “I felt hurt when that happened,” lands differently than “You always do this.” Own your response without attacking.
Don’t speak for others.
Give people the dignity to speak for themselves. You can say what you want or need—but it’s up to the other person to decide if they can meet you there.
Don’t confuse assumptions with truth.
When in doubt, ask. “Can I check something with you? I noticed myself feeling ____, and I’m not sure if that’s what you meant.” Give them the chance to clarify.
Don’t expect every relationship to last forever.
Some people are part of your life for a season. Grieving those changes is normal. And even short-lived connections can leave a meaningful imprint.
This Season, Choose Connection Over Perfection
If the holidays bring up complicated feelings for you, you’re not alone. Sometimes we put so much energy into trying to make moments feel right that we forget to simply be in them.
You don’t have to show up perfectly. You just have to show up—curious, honest, and human.
This season, the most meaningful gift might be this: letting the people you care about see you, and inviting them to do the same.
About the Author
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT #53772 (she/her) is an Asian American marriage and family therapist, Brainspotting practitioner, and founder of Oak and Stone Therapy. With over 15 years of experience in community mental health, schools, and private practice, she specializes in Asian American mental health, supporting individuals, couples, and families show up differently in their relationships. Hatty provides therapy at the Los Angeles office, Pasadena office, and virtually throughout California and Seoul, South Korea. You can learn more about her insights on her Instagram and her book The Indwell Guide, a visual storytelling and mental health guide that offers practical tools to support healing and self-discovery.
