Why Shutting Down Negative Emotions Also Numbs the Good: An Asian Therapist’s Thoughts
One of the most common things I see in therapy—especially among high-functioning adults, second-generation Asian Americans, and those raised in emotionally avoidant households—is a tendency to shut down, minimize, or disconnect from negative emotions.
It makes sense. Negative emotions are powerful. They often show up before our brains even realize what’s happening. By the time we’ve made sense of what we’re feeling, our body has already reacted—we’ve made that face, shifted our tone, gone passive-aggressive, or shut down.
It’s kind of like accidentally sending an email before you’ve finished editing it.
Too late. The reaction’s already out there.
Why We Shut Down Our Emotions
Most of us learned to disconnect from our feelings not because we’re weak, but because that was the only way we knew how to survive difficult emotions like:
Sadness
Disappointment
Rejection
Loneliness
Shame
Feeling unloved or not good enough
We shut down hoping to:
Avoid conflict
Stay calm
Protect others from our feelings
Protect ourselves from getting hurt
But emotional shutdown doesn’t actually make us safer—it often intensifies conflict, increases anxiety, and leaves our loved ones confused or hurt.
Emotions Are Meant to Guide Us, Not Trap Us
Your emotions—even the difficult ones—are information and evolutionary. They exist to tell you something:
Sadness may be telling you you’ve lost something valuable.
Anger may signal that a boundary has been crossed.
Fear might be pointing to a need for safety or reassurance.
When you ignore, suppress, or numb these feelings, you don’t just get rid of the bad—you often lose touch with the good too. Joy, connection, empathy, and intimacy also get muted.
Therapy for Emotional Shutdown, Avoidance, and Reconnection
At Oak & Stone Therapy, our team of Asian American therapists work with clients who are:
High-functioning but emotionally disconnected
Struggling with emotional numbness or avoidance
Feeling distant in relationships due to shutdown or withdrawal
Wanting to reconnect with their needs and emotions in a safe way
Navigating cultural or generational expectations around emotional expression, especially common among Asian American families
Through trauma-informed, culturally sensitive therapy, we help you build emotional awareness, stay grounded in your body, and learn safe, healthy ways to express and respond to feelings.
Feeling Your Feelings Is a Strength, Not a Weakness
When you allow yourself to feel—even the hard stuff—you create space to:
Understand what you need
Communicate more clearly
Strengthen your relationships
Reclaim the full range of your emotional life
You don't have to shut down anymore. You can learn to stay present with your emotions—and discover that they can be your greatest guide toward healing and connection.
About the Author
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT #53772 (she/her) is an Asian American marriage and family therapist, Brainspotting practitioner, and founder of Oak and Stone Therapy. With over 15 years of experience in community mental health, schools, and private practice, she specializes in Asian American mental health and understands the nuances of how our relationship with money, first-generation wealth, and intergenerational wealth impact our mental health. Hatty provides therapy at the Los Angeles office, Pasadena office, and virtually throughout California and Seoul, South Korea. You can learn more about her insights on her Instagram and her book The Indwell Guide, a visual storytelling and mental health guide that offers practical tools to support healing and self-discovery.
