How does therapy support Asian American mental health?

Therapy provides a safe space to heal intergenerational trauma, manage career stress, overcome creative blocks, and navigate cultural identity challenges. Services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy available in Los Angeles, Pasadena, the Bay Area, and across California.

What mental health issues commonly affect Asian American communities?

Common concerns include anxiety, depression, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, family pressures, relationship challenges, and creative blocks. Asian American therapists at Oak and Stone Therapy provide culturally sensitive support using Brainspotting, EMDR, and other healing modalities.

Is culturally sensitive therapy important for BIPOC and children of immigrants?

Yes, culturally sensitive therapy acknowledges racial identity, cultural values, and intergenerational expectations. Our services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy adapted to the needs of BIPOC and first-generation clients across California.

Who can benefit from Oak and Stone Therapy's blog?

Our blog supports Korean Americans, Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Indonesian, Singaporean, Filipino, and other East and South Asian communities, as well as BIPOC individuals and first-generation Americans seeking emotional growth, resilience, and culturally sensitive therapy options like Brainspotting and EMDR.

When Your Love ExceedS what Someone Can Offer You

Relationships

May 16

Written By Hatty J. Lee

When our love for someone exceeds our need for them, we invite ourselves into a deeper opportunity for intimacy and a thriving relationship.

I deeply believe in the value of vulnerably expressing our needs to those we love, and doing our best to get them met. But sometimes, without realizing it, we can often get caught up in trying to get all of our needs met from our partner or even a close friend. You might long for consistent affirmation, validation, security, closeness, and fulfilled hopes and dreams—not because your partner or friend is failing, but because these needs were the things you longed for but didn’t receive while growing up.

In my therapy work with clients, I often find that we can misplace some of the obligations that were not met by our caregivers and communities on our partners and loved ones. This inclination can cause exhaustion from constantly trying to get someone else to fill a void that they were never responsible for. The reality that many of my clients face is that no matter how much their partner or whoever else tries to love them, they may never be able to meet that need in the exact way they hoped. The disappointment of unmet expectations can hurt deeply and fuel reactive responses that only create more distance.

If you are like any of my clients, you might find yourself thinking:

“If he really loved me, he’d do exactly what I said I wanted.”

“Why can’t they just say the thing I need them to say?”

“I feel so alone, even when I’m with them.”

These thoughts aren’t necessarily a sign that the relationship is broken. More often, they’re a sign that a deeper wound has been activated—one that has likely been there long before this relationship began.

The Emotional Toll of Misplaced Expectations

Trying to get someone to meet your every need can lead to resentment and disconnection. You might feel disappointed, or even frustrated, when your partner can’t offer the comfort, validation, and care you’ve always needed in the way you exactly wanted. And over time, that unmet longing can lead to blame, distance, or a constant need for reassurance. That’s exhausting.

Grieving What You Didn’t Get So You Can Accept What You Have

One of the most freeing things that happens in therapy sometimes is when you realize: “I can grieve the love I didn’t receive—and still fully receive the love that’s here now.”

This grief is sacred work. It doesn’t mean giving up on your needs. It means softening the grip of old expectations, so you can actually connect with the person in front of you—not the parent, partner, or version of love you were hoping to rewrite.

You stop expecting someone else to complete a story that wasn’t theirs to begin with. And when that happens, love becomes more honest, more mutual, and less exhausting.

How Therapy Can Help

At Oak & Stone Therapy, I work with individuals and couples navigating anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, intergenerational trauma, and emotional needs that were never fully acknowledged in childhood.

In therapy, I help you:

Recognize when old wounds are driving present-day reactions
Express your needs without overwhelming others or shutting down
Grieve what wasn’t given to you—so it doesn’t keep shaping what you expect from others
Build connection based on truth, not obligation

You Can Love Without Losing Yourself

When we stop needing our partners to fix what they didn’t break, we create room for a more grounded and generous kind of love. It’s not that you ignore your needs—you just stop handing them to someone else with the hope they’ll finally fill the void.

You’re allowed to want closeness. You’re allowed to ask for support. But the love you expect doesn’t have to be mixed with urgency or fear.

You can also love someone for who they are—not just for what they give you.

And when you make that shift, something beautiful happens: both you and your loved one can finally have space to feel safe, seen, and free to be yourselves.

Important Note

This reflection is not meant to suggest staying in a relationship that feels unsafe, abusive, or consistently hurtful. If you’re in a dynamic where your boundaries are ignored, where there’s repeated disrespect or emotional neglect—even when you’ve shown up honestly and taken responsibility for your contribution to the disconnection—it’s okay to choose distance. Relationships require mutual care, respect, and responsiveness. You are allowed to protect your peace, even if it means walking away.

Image of Asian American Couples Therapist in Los Angeles and Pasadena

About the Author

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT #53772 (she/her) is an Asian American marriage and family therapist, Brainspotting practitioner, and founder of Oak and Stone Therapy. With over 15 years of experience in community mental health, schools, and private practice, she specializes in Asian American mental health and understands the nuances of how our relationship with money, first-generation wealth, and intergenerational wealth impact our mental health. Hatty provides therapy at the Los Angeles office, Pasadena office, and virtually throughout California and Seoul, South Korea. You can learn more about her insights on her Instagram and her book The Indwell Guide, a visual storytelling and mental health guide that offers practical tools to support healing and self-discovery.

Hatty J. Lee

Oak & Stone Therapy is a team of Asian American therapists who offers individual, couples, child and teens, and family therapy virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California.

http://www.oakandstonetherapy.com