Why the Same Fight Keeps Coming Up: A Pasadena and Los Angeles Couples TherapIst’s Perspective

If you’re reading this as a couple, you probably already know which fight we’re talking about.

It might be the one that shows up late at night, when you’re both tired from a long day.
Or the one that sneaks in during car rides.
Or the one that resurfaces after the kids are finally asleep and the house is quiet again.

You may have talked about it calmly. You may have argued about it more than a dozen times (if not more). You may have genuinely believed it was “resolved” until you realize it isn’t.

As couples therapists working with partners in Pasadena and across Los Angeles, we want to say this clearly:

The fact that the same conflict keeps returning does not mean your relationship is failing.

In fact, decades of research from the Gottman Institute show that nearly 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual and not solvable. These conflicts don’t fully go away even in healthy, committed relationships.

Most couples aren’t told this. And when they aren’t, they tend to assume something must be wrong with them.

What This Pattern Usually Means (and What It Doesn’t)

Perpetual conflicts are rarely about someone being stubborn, selfish, or unwilling to change.

They’re much more often about differences that live deeper than the surface argument, often shaped by personality, family history, culture, and emotional wiring.

As a couple, this can look like:

• One of you wanting to talk things through right away, while the other needs time to settle before engaging

• Different relationships with money, security, or planning for the future

• Different expectations around parenting, boundaries with extended family, or how decisions get made

• One partner seeking reassurance through conversation, the other offering care through action

These differences usually appear early in a relationship. Over time, they resurface during stress, transitions, or moments when both partners are stretched thin.

That doesn’t mean you chose the wrong person.
It means you’re two different people with different backgrounds and temperaments are trying to stay connected during real life situations.

Where Couples Start to Feel Stuck

If you are like many of the couples we see, you might assume that you could just explain yourself more clearly, or stay calmer, and the issue would finally resolve.

So you try again. And again.

You revisit the same topic with new language. Your promise yourselves that you won’t escalate. You hope this time it will land differently.

And when it doesn’t, something quieter often creeps in: discouragement, hopelessness, and disappointment.

Not because the issue is catastrophic, but because it feels exhausting to keep returning to the same place.

The problem isn’t that you’re doing couples work “wrong.”
It’s that some conflicts aren’t meant to be solved.

31% Solvable Problems vs. 69% Ongoing Ones

Some conflicts really are situational. Things like:

• Schedules

• Logistics

• Household tasks

• One-time misunderstandings

These tend to respond well to communication and planning.

Perpetual conflicts are different. They don’t have a final solution. Trying to treat these conflicts as if they should have a final solution often creates resentment, gridlock, or emotional distance.

In couples therapy, one of the most relieving moments for many partners is simply realizing which kind of conflict they’re actually in.

The Shift That Changes the Relationship

Gottman-informed and Restoration couples therapy doesn’t aim to eliminate disagreement.

It focuses on helping couples stay emotionally connected when the same issue shows up again.

That means learning how to:

• Recognize what the conflict represents emotionally for each of you

• Hear what’s underneath your partner’s position, not just the words

• Notice when defensiveness or shutdown is taking over

• Repair conversations instead of trying to “win” them

When couples make this shift, they often say something like:
“The issue is still there, but it doesn’t run our relationship anymore.”

What Managing a Perpetual Conflict Actually Looks Like

Managing doesn’t mean giving up or settling.

It often looks quieter than people expect:

• Acknowledging, “This is one of our ongoing differences.”

• Knowing when to pause a conversation before it turns hurtful

• Letting both perspectives exist without forcing agreement

• Coming back to the topic with more steadiness the next time

Instead of asking, “Why can’t you just change?”
The question slowly becomes, “How do we stay connected when this comes up?”

How Couples Therapy Can Support This Work

In our couples therapy practice in Pasadena and throughout Los Angeles, we work with partners who are tired of repeating the same cycles — not because they don’t care, but because they care deeply.

Therapy helps couples:

• Identify which conflicts are solvable and which are ongoing

• Slow down reactive patterns

• Build emotional safety during difficult conversations

• Strengthen trust, friendship, and repair

Over time, couples stop trying to fix each other and start learning how to stay in relationship through difference.

A Final Thought

If you’re having the same argument again, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.

Often, it means you’ve reached one of the places where two people with different histories and nervous systems are trying to love each other well without a clear roadmap.

That’s not a failure.
It’s where meaningful work begins.

Looking for Couples Therapy in Pasadena or Los Angeles?

At Oak & Stone Therapy, we offer couples therapy for partners who want deeper understanding, stronger connection, and more sustainable ways of navigating conflict.

If you’re curious about working together, you’re welcome to reach out and see whether therapy feels like the right next step.

About the Author

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT #53772 (she/her) is an Asian American marriage and family therapist, Brainspotting practitioner, and founder of Oak and Stone Therapy. With over 15 years of experience in community mental health, schools, and private practice, she specializes in couples therapy. Hatty provides therapy at the Los Angeles office, Pasadena office, and virtually throughout California and Seoul, South Korea. You can learn more about her insights on her Instagram and her book The Indwell Guide, a visual storytelling and mental health guide that offers practical tools to support healing and self-discovery.