How does therapy support Asian American mental health?

Therapy provides a safe space to heal intergenerational trauma, manage career stress, overcome creative blocks, and navigate cultural identity challenges. Services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy available in Los Angeles, Pasadena, the Bay Area, and across California.

What mental health issues commonly affect Asian American communities?

Common concerns include anxiety, depression, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, family pressures, relationship challenges, and creative blocks. Asian American therapists at Oak and Stone Therapy provide culturally sensitive support using Brainspotting, EMDR, and other healing modalities.

Is culturally sensitive therapy important for BIPOC and children of immigrants?

Yes, culturally sensitive therapy acknowledges racial identity, cultural values, and intergenerational expectations. Our services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy adapted to the needs of BIPOC and first-generation clients across California.

Who can benefit from Oak and Stone Therapy's blog?

Our blog supports Korean Americans, Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Indonesian, Singaporean, Filipino, and other East and South Asian communities, as well as BIPOC individuals and first-generation Americans seeking emotional growth, resilience, and culturally sensitive therapy options like Brainspotting and EMDR.

True vs. False Selflessness: Are You Losing Yourself to Be “Good”?

Self-Care

May 23

Written By Hatty J. Lee

Selflessness is often seen as a noble, even essential, trait in relationships — one that fosters intimacy, closeness, and mutual care. And when practiced with honesty and intention, it absolutely can.

But I think we live in a time where the meaning of selflessness has become confused and distorted.

It’s often reduced to doing something you don’t want to do, or giving/saying something that makes someone else happy — even if it comes at the expense of your own peace, boundaries, or truth.

What Selflessness Is — and Isn’t

Selflessness isn’t about disappearing. It’s not about being everything for everyone else while ignoring your own needs.
It’s called self-less — not self-none.

True selflessness involves a healthy balance of care for both yourself and others.
It’s not:

Forcing yourself to comply out of fear of backlash
Performing generosity in order to be seen as “good” or needed
Avoiding the discomfort of saying “no,” and calling it virtue

And it’s definitely not a way to sidestep the truth that maybe… you’re struggling with limits, boundaries, or resentment — and that’s okay to name.

False Selflessness and Its Consequences

When we engage in what I’ll call false selflessness, it might look generous on the surface — but underneath, something doesn’t feel right.

We might start noticing:

Quiet resentment toward the people we’re “giving” to
Gossip about how demanding others are (“She’s so needy…” — even though we keep giving)
Subtle expectations of reciprocity
Passive-aggressive behavior or emotional withdrawal
Feeling disconnected and empty after offering help

That’s because when we don’t honor what’s happening inside of us, our actions start sending mixed messages — to ourselves and others. And what we’re calling “selfless” often ends up hurting the relationship.

The truth? When you say yes while feeling no, you’re not making space for real connection. You’re signaling that the other person can’t handle your truth — and denying them the opportunity to truly see and love the full you.

Listen to What You’ve Been Calling “Selfish”

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is pause and listen to your so-called “selfish” needs — the ones you’ve been silencing for the sake of others.
They might be asking for:

Rest
Space
Honesty
Boundaries
A moment of truth in a relationship where you’ve been pretending

Honoring those needs is not selfish — it’s essential.
Because without a self, there is no true selflessness.

Real Selflessness Invites Connection

True selflessness increases intimacy in both directions.
It flows from a place of wholeness, not obligation.
It’s thoughtful, open-hearted, and considers the well-being of both people involved.

False selflessness, on the other hand, increases distance. It depletes you, confuses others, and erodes trust — even if no one talks about it out loud.

So here’s a question worth asking:
Which kind of selflessness are you practicing?

And if the answer isn’t what you hoped — that’s okay. Awareness is where real change begins.

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.

Hatty J. Lee

Oak & Stone Therapy is a team of Asian American therapists who offers individual, couples, child and teens, and family therapy virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California.

http://www.oakandstonetherapy.com