How does therapy support Asian American mental health?

Therapy provides a safe space to heal intergenerational trauma, manage career stress, overcome creative blocks, and navigate cultural identity challenges. Services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy available in Los Angeles, Pasadena, the Bay Area, and across California.

What mental health issues commonly affect Asian American communities?

Common concerns include anxiety, depression, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, family pressures, relationship challenges, and creative blocks. Asian American therapists at Oak and Stone Therapy provide culturally sensitive support using Brainspotting, EMDR, and other healing modalities.

Is culturally sensitive therapy important for BIPOC and children of immigrants?

Yes, culturally sensitive therapy acknowledges racial identity, cultural values, and intergenerational expectations. Our services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy adapted to the needs of BIPOC and first-generation clients across California.

Who can benefit from Oak and Stone Therapy's blog?

Our blog supports Korean Americans, Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Indonesian, Singaporean, Filipino, and other East and South Asian communities, as well as BIPOC individuals and first-generation Americans seeking emotional growth, resilience, and culturally sensitive therapy options like Brainspotting and EMDR.

When Someone Tells You They’re Hurt—Don’t Dismiss the Moment

Relationships

Mar 2

Written By Hatty J. Lee

When someone shares that something we did or said hurt them, we don’t get to decide whether their experience is valid. Their pain is real—even if it wasn’t our intention.

Still, many of us instinctively become defensive when confronted with someone else’s hurt.

We might say:

“That’s not what I meant — you misunderstood me.”
“I didn’t intend to hurt you. My intentions were good.”
“You’re overreacting. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“You’re just triggered — this is about your past, not me.”
“I have the right to say what I said.”

While some of these statements may reflect truths in your experience, they often dismiss the other person’s experience. And what might have been an opportunity for connection turns into further disconnection, distrust, or defensiveness.

A Bid for Closeness, Not Just Criticism

When someone shares their pain with you, it’s not just about the past — it’s a bid for connection. It’s someone saying: “This mattered to me. You matter to me. And I want to be closer.”

But when we respond by defending our intention instead of acknowledging the impact, we miss that bid. We get caught up in proving whether we were “right” or “wrong,” instead of owning that our words or actions had an effect, even if it was unintentional.

Connection happens not when we’re perfect — but when we take responsibility and show care for how we’re experienced.

If You Struggle With Apologizing, Ask Yourself Why

For many people, apologizing doesn’t come naturally — and that resistance often has a story.

Ask yourself:

What was your experience with apologies growing up?
Were you offered sincere apologies from caregivers or adults?
Were you forced to say "I’m sorry" before you were ready, or when you didn’t understand why?
Were mistakes met with blame or shame, rather than repair?

Our personal histories shape how we experience accountability. Understanding your own story can help you soften the edges around apology — and reframe it not as a loss of dignity, but as a path toward repair and intimacy.

More Connecting Responses to Try

If you want to respond in a way that honors the relationship, try something like:

“I’m really sorry I hurt you.”
“I didn’t realize I was coming off that way. How you feel matters to me. Can you help me understand what was hurtful so I can be more mindful moving forward?”
“I can see how that impacted you, especially given what you’ve shared. Here’s what I was trying to communicate, and here’s what I can do differently next time — would that feel better to you?”

These responses don’t require you to abandon your truth or erase your boundaries—they simply make room for someone else’s experience, too.

Repair Builds Trust

Apologies aren’t just about taking blame—they’re about showing care for how you impact others. When done with sincerity and curiosity, they deepen trust and strengthen connection.

Because when someone tells you they’re hurting and you choose to lean in— not defend, not correct, not run— you’re not just preserving the relationship.

You’re building a safer one.

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.

Hatty J. Lee

Oak & Stone Therapy is a team of Asian American therapists who offers individual, couples, child and teens, and family therapy virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California.

http://www.oakandstonetherapy.com