How does therapy support Asian American mental health?

Therapy provides a safe space to heal intergenerational trauma, manage career stress, overcome creative blocks, and navigate cultural identity challenges. Services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy available in Los Angeles, Pasadena, the Bay Area, and across California.

What mental health issues commonly affect Asian American communities?

Common concerns include anxiety, depression, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, family pressures, relationship challenges, and creative blocks. Asian American therapists at Oak and Stone Therapy provide culturally sensitive support using Brainspotting, EMDR, and other healing modalities.

Is culturally sensitive therapy important for BIPOC and children of immigrants?

Yes, culturally sensitive therapy acknowledges racial identity, cultural values, and intergenerational expectations. Our services include Brainspotting and EMDR therapy adapted to the needs of BIPOC and first-generation clients across California.

Who can benefit from Oak and Stone Therapy's blog?

Our blog supports Korean Americans, Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Indonesian, Singaporean, Filipino, and other East and South Asian communities, as well as BIPOC individuals and first-generation Americans seeking emotional growth, resilience, and culturally sensitive therapy options like Brainspotting and EMDR.

Perfectionism Isn’t a Strength—It’s a Defense Mechanism

For You

May 26

Written By Hatty J. Lee

Perfectionism is not adaptive.
It’s not healthy ambition or self-improvement.
It’s a defense mechanism—one that’s often used to avoid a deeper, more painful reality.

At its core, perfectionism is the compulsive need to be or appear perfect. It can be dressed up as striving for excellence or constant self-improvement—things that are valuable when rooted in self-awareness and growth. But what separates perfectionism from healthy striving is the motivation driving it.

The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism

In my therapy practice, I’ve worked with many high-achieving, “successful” people. On the outside, they seem put together, accomplished, driven. But underneath the surface, perfectionism is often wreaking havoc—fueling anxiety, depression, self-criticism, and relational disconnection.

Why? Because perfectionism is rarely about doing better — it's about avoiding pain.

For many, perfectionism emerges as a way to manage the emotional residue of early wounds—those moments (or years) when they were made to feel that love, safety, or worth were conditional. In response, they develop control strategies—if I can be perfect, maybe I won’t be hurt again. Maybe I’ll be chosen. Maybe I’ll finally be enough.

When Worth Gets Tied to Performance

One of the most painful effects of perfectionism is that your self-worth becomes tethered to your achievements. But here’s the thing: the more you invest in perfectionism, the more distorted your view of yourself (and others) becomes.

Because no one is perfect. You will never be perfect. I will never be perfect.
We are all—thankfully—human.

The Perfectionism Trap

The pain of perfectionism doesn’t go away when you finally check everything off your list. In fact, the more you accomplish, the more the bar moves. The pressure increases. The shame deepens.

And when you finally reach the top of that mountain?
You’ll likely find another one waiting—not the kind that builds strength or deepens wisdom, but the kind that amplifies your inner doubt and makes you feel smaller, more alone, and more unseen.

The kind that whispers:

You’re still not enough.
You can’t stop now.
No one will love you unless you’re better.

What Perfectionism Really Is

Perfectionism is control on overdrive—a desperate attempt to outrun shame, pain, or rejection, wrapped in glamorous packaging that our culture often applauds.

But beneath that shiny surface?
There’s usually:

Unrelenting anxiety
Buried anger toward self and others
Emotional exhaustion
A growing sense of isolation
Unpredictable episodes of depression, self-doubt, or even chaos

And here’s the hardest part—it can look like success to the outside world. But inside, something’s breaking.

Ask the Hard Questions

What am I afraid will happen if I stop being perfect?
Where did I learn that my worth depends on achievement or control?
Who taught me that being human—flawed, messy, real—wasn’t enough?
What would it mean to be accepted as I am, not as I perform?

You don’t need to perform your way into being loved or safe.
Let perfectionism go—not because you’re failing at it, but because you were never meant to live like this.

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.

Hatty J. Lee

Oak & Stone Therapy is a team of Asian American therapists who offers individual, couples, child and teens, and family therapy virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California.

http://www.oakandstonetherapy.com