The Fear of Celebrating Ourselves: When Success Feels Unsafe in Relationships
Many of us grew up being told to be “modest” or “humble” about our accomplishments. But what does that really mean? Somewhere along the way, for many, humility got confused with hiding—withholding our celebrations and joys for fear of being seen as arrogant, self-centered, or inconsiderate.
Often, we keep our successes quiet to avoid triggering envy (as explored in Green with Envy) or jealousy — that fear of being excluded, replaced, or resented. But these protective strategies, while well-intentioned, can have unintended consequences. Instead of creating closeness, they create distance, secrecy, and disconnection—especially in relationships where we long to be seen and loved.
What Hiding Our Joy Might Really Be Saying
When we hold back our celebrations, we might be doing so because we assume others can’t handle them. That they’ll judge us, reject us, or pull away. Sometimes, that assumption is based on past experiences. Maybe we’ve been met with silence, criticism, or indifference when we shared something we were proud of. Or maybe we’ve noticed how hard it is for us to celebrate others, especially during times when we’re feeling inadequate or behind.
This pattern often points to something deeper: shame.
Shame, Envy, and the Fear of Being "Too Much"
Ask yourself:
Do I feel anxious about how others will respond when I succeed?
Do I wonder if I’m being “too much” when I’m proud of myself?
Do I avoid sharing wins because I fear being seen as inconsiderate?
Have I ever felt unsafe or unseen after opening up about something joyful?
You’re not alone. Many of us have grown up believing that our worth is tied to our performance, but that sharing that performance is risky. And so we end up in a painful bind: quietly hustling for love and belonging while keeping our moments of joy tucked away.
At the same time, it’s worth reflecting:
Is it hard for me to celebrate others?
When someone shares something beautiful, do I shrink or shut down?
Does their success awaken feelings of inadequacy or shame in me?
If so, that’s not a character flaw. It’s an invitation — to be curious about the parts of you that learned to equate other people’s joy with your lack. That, too, deserves compassion.
Redefining Humility and Belonging
True humility isn’t about downplaying who you are or what you’ve done. It’s about knowing who you are apart from your accomplishments — and staying rooted in that self regardless of praise or recognition.
As @brenebrown says, “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are.”
That includes the parts of you that are proud. That are lit up. That want to be witnessed and celebrated.
You don’t have to choose between humility and visibility. You can share vulnerably without performing. You can be proud without posturing. You can include others in your joy without diminishing theirs — and you can allow space for your joy to inspire rather than intimidate.
If You Struggle to Celebrate Out Loud, Ask Yourself:
How have people responded to my success in the past?
What fears come up when I imagine being seen in my joy?
Do I associate success with safety—or with danger, distance, or judgment?
Are there conversations I need to have with people I care about, to repair or clarify why I’ve been holding back?
Also ask:
How can I share the process behind my success—not just the polished outcome—so others feel invited in, not left out?
How can I “brag” in ways that celebrate myself and affirm others’ potential and worthiness?
What would it look like to build a life where my joy doesn’t have to shrink in order to be accepted?
The Invitation: Practice Intimacy Through Celebration
We often talk about intimacy as showing up in hard moments — grief, anger, anxiety. But it also requires us to show up in our joy. If we want to build meaningful, emotionally safe relationships, we have to learn how to make space for the joy of others—and invite others into ours.
So the next time you feel tempted to shrink your light to make others comfortable, ask yourself instead:
What would it be like to invite them in?
What if this moment is not about performance, but about presence?
Let your success be an opening, not a wall. Let it be a bridge, not a wedge. And let it be a reminder: you don’t have to hide to belong.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
