When Envy Points to Shame: What Social Media Reveals About Us
In the world of social media, how do we protect ourselves from the shame that so often hides behind the emotion of envy?
We’ve all been there—scrolling through someone else’s perfectly curated life and walking away feeling a little less sure of our own. It’s not a very proud emotion to admit, and yet envy is one of the most quietly kept feelings many people experience privately.
So, what is envy?
Envy looks at someone else’s life and asks, “What is inadequate, lacking, or deficient within me?” It’s not always about wanting what that person has—it’s about wanting to feel worthy enough to have, do, experience, or belong in the ways they seem to.
At its core, envy is often a secondary emotion. Underneath it? Shame.
As @brenebrown beautifully defines it, shame is the painful belief that we are flawed—and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. When envy is triggered, especially through social media, it often awakens those long-held narratives: I’m not enough. I’ve fallen behind. I don’t matter.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that social media causes envy and shame. And yes, the constant exposure to filtered, idealized glimpses of people’s lives can absolutely feed unrealistic expectations and deepen insecurities. But I want to suggest something deeper:
Social media doesn’t always create shame—it often reveals the shame that already lives within us.
The polished posts we see may simply magnify what’s already unresolved in our inner world. If that’s true, then deleting your apps or cutting off relationships with people who provoke envy might provide temporary relief—but not true healing. Disconnection may be a short-term coping mechanism, but it won’t get to the root of your pain.
That said, of course it’s wise to set boundaries with social media. Creating space for meaningful offline connections and activities is good for everyone. But for me, social media has also been a space of authentic connection. I’ve been inspired by people I would’ve never otherwise known—professionally, personally, and creatively.
So, what do we do when shame and envy show up?
We get curious. We ask the deeper questions.
Where in my story did I first learn to feel ashamed of who I am or what I lack?
How does that experience still inform how I view myself today?
In what ways do I internalize or replay those narratives in how I relate to others—or myself?
Am I idealizing others to the point of dehumanizing them, or myself?
Is my worth dependent on becoming some idealized version of who I think I should be?
Do my strengths and limitations define my value as a human being?
These aren’t easy questions—but they’re the ones that can lead us toward genuine growth and a more grounded, authentic sense of self-worth. They help us shift from shame-driven self-comparison to curiosity and clarity.
Yes, I believe we can all practice more vulnerability and authenticity in how we show up online. We can resist the impulse to perform or present a life that’s always tidy and triumphant. But even more powerful is the work we do within—to confront shame with truth and compassion.
That’s where the real transformation happens.
When we do the work of healing our shame, envy loses its grip. What once triggered us can begin to inspire us. The lives we see on social media—the beautiful, brave, creative, connected ones—can sow seeds of longing in us. Longings that deserve to be awakened.
Longings that say: I want to live more meaningfully, more freely, more fully myself.
Because even envy, as uncomfortable as it is, has something to teach us. It can point us to what matters, to what’s missing, and to what’s possible.
And when we listen to it with kindness and honesty, we may find that envy is not our enemy—it’s an invitation.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
