Untangling Boundaries and Anxiety for Asian Americans
In many Asian American communities, we are raised to prioritize others — family, community, reputation — often above our own emotional needs. We tell ourselves that staying silent, sacrificing our desires, or minimizing our struggles is the right thing to do, believing it’s all “for others.”
But it’s worth asking: how much of what we do or don’t do is truly for others — and how much is driven by our own fears and anxieties?
We might hold back from pursuing our passions, avoid difficult conversations, or stay in situations that drain us. We might convince ourselves that speaking up would hurt others, that setting boundaries would be selfish, or that letting others have their way is the kind thing to do.
Underneath these stories, though, there are often quieter emotions at work:
the fear of rejection, the fear of being judged, the fear of disappointing people we care about. Sometimes it's the deep fear of being abandoned altogether.
For many Asian Americans, boundaries can feel foreign or even wrong. We've been taught that loyalty means self-sacrifice and that confrontation is disrespectful. These beliefs are deeply rooted in survival, community, and family legacy — but they can also lead us to betray ourselves without realizing it.
When we avoid expressing our needs, suppress our feelings, or try to manage others’ reactions, it often isn’t just about protecting them. It’s about trying to soothe our discomfort — the fear of what might happen if we dared to show up fully and honestly.
Healing begins when we can look at these patterns with compassion, not shame.
It starts with asking:
What am I truly afraid of here?
What would change if I trusted that I deserve to be heard and honored?
Having honest conversations with ourselves opens the door to courage. It helps us create boundaries not out of anger or rebellion, but out of love — for ourselves and for our relationships.
Choosing to speak your truth is not selfish.
Setting boundaries is not cruel.
Honoring your needs does not mean you love others any less.
It means you are stepping into deeper honesty, deeper connection, and deeper healing — for yourself, and ultimately, for your community too.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
