What Is Fairness in Relationships? Understanding Love, Justice, and Destructive Entitlement
We all know life isn’t fair. Yet most of us, if not all of us—especially Asian American professionals and adult children of immigrants—carry an internal compass that believes fairness is just, especially in our relationships. But what does fairness actually mean when it comes to love, friendship, family, and partnership?
For many people, fairness in a relationship feels like a balance of giving and receiving—whether that’s in time, energy, affection, emotional presence, respect, or resources. The idea is: if I’m giving this much, I should receive something comparable in return.
Of course, how this exchange looks varies from relationship to relationship.
Fairness and Love Languages
One partner might express love through thoughtful gifts, while the other gives love through verbal encouragement. Another may prioritize quality time, physical touch, or acts of service. These are all valid ways of showing care—but the challenge lies in understanding each other’s unspoken needs and expectations.
This is why learning each other's love languages is so important.
It’s also why we can’t expect people to “just know” what we need. Unspoken expectations often become the breeding ground for resentment and hurt. As therapists, we often see clients struggling with the idea that if someone really loved them, they wouldn’t have to ask. But the truth is: Healthy love includes clear communication of needs.
When Fairness Feels Broken: The Impact of Imbalance
So what happens when one person gives more than they receive?
What happens when your efforts go unnoticed—or when you take without giving back?
What happens when you love well, but struggle to receive love in return?
These imbalances can trigger deep emotional pain. And often, instead of clearly expressing our needs or setting boundaries, we may unconsciously resort to destructive behaviors such as:
Passive aggression
Guilt-tripping
Manipulation
Withdrawal or emotional shutdown
Threats or ultimatums
In Restoration Therapy, we call this pattern destructive entitlement—when someone seeks justice for themselves at the expense of another person, usually someone they care about.
Where Destructive Entitlement Comes From
Destructive entitlement isn’t about being selfish. It’s usually a learned response to unmet needs, shaped by:
Early family dynamics
Observed relationships growing up
Unspoken cultural or generational expectations
Repeated emotional wounds over time
Many of us either overfunction (giving too much without receiving) or underfunction (receiving without contributing) in our relationships. These roles often shift depending on the season, the relationship, or cultural expectations common in many Asian American households.
How Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Relational Justice
At Oak & Stone Therapy, our team of Asian and Asian American therapists work with individuals, couples, and families to explore:
Fairness in relationships and emotional responsibility
Healing from destructive entitlement patterns
Restoring balance in giving and receiving
Learning and honoring each other's love languages
Healthy boundary setting and communication
Through trauma-informed, culturally sensitive therapy, we help you explore your core relational patterns and support you in building justice-oriented, emotionally intimate relationships—something many Asian American clients tell us they’ve rarely seen modeled growing up.
You Are Worthy of Love—And So Is the Person You’re In a Relationship With
Fairness in relationships doesn’t mean everything is equal all the time. It means there’s mutual effort to love well, respond to each other’s needs, and take emotional responsibility.
You are allowed to ask for more. You are allowed to give less. You are allowed to repair.
You are also responsible for your part—especially if your behavior has become self-protective at the expense of someone else’s well-being.
When we can own both our needs and our actions, we open the door to genuine, lasting intimacy. If you are seeking help navigating fairness, imbalance, or emotional disconnection in your relationships, we have a great team of Asian and Asian American therapists here to support you. Schedule a free consultation to get started.
About the Author
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT #53772 (she/her) is an Asian American marriage and family therapist, Brainspotting practitioner, and founder of Oak and Stone Therapy. With over 15 years of experience in community mental health, schools, and private practice, she specializes in Asian American mental health and understands the power of fairness in healthy relationships to deepen emotional connection and intimacy. Hatty provides therapy at the Los Angeles office, Pasadena office, and virtually throughout California and Seoul, South Korea. You can learn more about her insights on her Instagram and her book The Indwell Guide, a visual storytelling and mental health guide that offers practical tools to support healing and self-discovery.
