Choosing Responsibility Over Reaction: Healing Our Relationships

For many Asian American children of immigrants, navigating emotions can feel complicated. Raised in households where survival, loyalty, and sacrifice were prioritized, we often learned early on that expressing anger, disappointment, or fear could disrupt harmony — or be seen as selfish.

But emotional pain doesn't disappear just because we suppress it.

It’s happened to all of us: We find ourselves reacting to situations in ways that hurt ourselves and the people we love.

• We say hurtful words out of anger.

• We become controlling, undermining those we care about.

• We withdraw instead of showing up honestly.

• We break trust.

• We self-sabotage, doubting our own worthiness.

• We betray ourselves.

In moments like these, we may hear well-intentioned advice like, “There was nothing you could do differently.” While comforting at times, this can subtly imply that we have no power to change, heal, or take responsibility — a message that can feel disempowering, especially for those healing from complex relational patterns.

In my therapy work with Asian American clients, I often see how cultural narratives around saving face, enduring silently, or maintaining family image can make it even harder to acknowledge when our reactions have crossed personal or relational boundaries.

We may justify our damaging reactions by focusing on others’ irresponsibility:

"They deserved it."
"I had no choice."
"Speaking my mind — no matter the impact — is strength."

Yet somewhere within, a quieter voice reminds us: Whenever we react from survival—instead of responding from grounded values—we often violate not just others, but also ourselves.

Reaction vs. Response

• A reaction is an automatic decision made in response to external circumstances.
  We depend on others' behavior to determine how we show up. It's survival-driven, often rooted in earlier pain.

• A response is a conscious decision made from our core values, considering the impact on ourselves and others.
  It reflects personal responsibility, empowerment, and trustworthiness — even if the choice is difficult or unpopular.

For children of immigrants, especially within Asian American families, moving from reaction to response is not just emotional growth — it's intergenerational healing. It’s about choosing to live by who we are, not just by what has happened to us. This is the work of reclaiming our agency, and it’s deeply connected to healing emotional wounds around worth, connection, and identity.

Loving Yourself Means Choosing Responsibility

Part of loving ourselves involves taking responsibility for when our reactions violate our integrity — even when others "deserve it."

It means recognizing that we can choose to respond in ways that align with trust, peace, and the person we truly want to be.

It’s not about being perfect.

It’s about committing to growth — for ourselves, our relationships, and the generations after us.

Reflection:

What does loving yourself look like in this season?

Where are you being invited to move from automatic reaction to intentional response?

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.